I am sharing some testimonies that was sent to me. I wanted others to know they aren’t the only one going through the motions of life feeling lost and confused.
The girl who is a Christian but struggles in her walk because of her past
When I was 6 I had my first experience.. My first experience of being sexually abused.. It lasted for 6 years.. Someone who was really close to me.. Everyday I felt like I couldn’t tell no one.. I suffered in my own way of “this is my fault.. I let it happen.. I didn’t say no.. So I will get in trouble to”
I felt as if I was nothing as if I couldn’t get away from it.. And trust me I still can’t I see this person everyday of my life and I absolutely hate this person I can’t stand being around them.. Only like 3 people know and now 4.. It’s a hard because I always feel like I’m being fake.. Like I have to keep it all together to put on this show of being a great Christian! And it makes me feel alone, like no one ever listens to me. I’m very picky, when I say picky I mean like, I always think people judge me and that if they are talking in private they are talking about me. I’m self conscious.. I haven’t found that place like where I belong! But when I talk to God I feel like he isn’t listening.. You know how people say God is speaking to me.. I never have had that and I try and try..
Sweetheart, I know you read this already but I want others to hear that
Your testimony is amazing. I am terribly sorry for the shame you feel about it. I think your past forms who you are but it doesn’t make your future. You are incredibly strong having to constantly be reminded of the betrayal you felt when that happened. I know several people who were sexually abused and how they turned such a negative event into a positive story is amazing.
To me, it is sad that having a religion or beliefs that supposedly is accepting to everyone and feeling like we do with all the pressure of hiding our true self. I feel like people are constantly talking about me as well. It got so bad I pushed people away blaming them for talking about me. Now if i feel those feelings, i think… that is just satan wanting me to feel inadequate. I have been in a place where I thought God wasnt listening. I always thought I was stupid because I was a Christian and I didnt know how to listen to God. It honestly wasn’t until this summer when I really really heard God start talking and moving within me like I have never felt before. It wasn’t so much like I “heard” Him but I felt Him guide me. On the days and nights I felt like He wasn’t listening, He was too busy holding me while I cried. He was working up something that I couldnt even imagine. Like He is for you. Keep digging into His word, pick up christian fictional books, anything that is a positive outlook for God to talk to you and He will. I promise.
Your age is tough. And it will continue to get harder until you get to a place where you no longer let your past define you. But its okay. For right now just breathe and take one day at a time. Identity crisis are hard. College will be the best four years of your life. Take risks, take chances, take adventures… because adult life is around the corner… You are in the years of finding out who you are and what you like. You have so many more options for friends and more activities to get involved with. College will be amazing. It is also a way to escape. When I went to college, I was able to get away from some family members who hurt me and feeling like they cannot hurt me anymore was/is the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Continue to be strong. Know you aren’t alone. And know that I am here for you, rooting for you, and loving you!
Be you…so you can be free.
But for those of you that are older and are still struggling to find your place in this world, you have got to stop being so hard of yourself. Stop blaming yourself for your past. Your past does not define you. Your future however can be defined by you.
Start a hobby or activity you have always wanted to do but were too busy or nervous about doing. Whether its yoga, scrapbooking, writing, sewing, cooking, even dance classes, swimming, making furniture, learning a language, or learning how to play an instrument, etc. You need to start doing at least one thing that makes you happy and makes you have that release of stress that you need. Don’t use the excuse I can’t afford it. This is important right now in your life. YOU HAVE TO FIND TIME FOR YOU! Start off by taking at least an hour for you. Put a movie on for the kids, tell your spouse or roommates that you are going to take about an hour for you to reflect on today. Even if it is a candlelight bubble bath with a good book. Try not to watch tv for your down time. This is something that needs to be healthy and stimulating to your mind.
Until next time -Kels