This is a testimony of one of my followers and friends.
Why I started Jiu-Jitsu.
You know, some people never understand why a battered woman endures abuse physically and emotionally over and over again. But it really is a cycle. A trap you feel like there is no escape from. Something some people will never understand. People who will never understand are so lucky because that means they’ve never been through it. I don’t expect or want others to understand. I just want other girls who went through what I went through to know that they are not alone and there is a way out. For me to write my story, it would take months. Months of reliving every emotional trauma I went though. Maybe one day I would be strong enough to do that. For me, the emotional abuse is more painful, something that will take more time for me to release, and I do not know why. But one thing I can tell you is why I started my journey in jiu jitsu and kickboxing.
A lot of people from my hometown know somewhat of what I’ve been through because a lot of it happened in the public eye or from hear say. But very few people know the things that would happened behind closed doors. Also, a lot of people tend to forget about it, for which I am very thankful. When I was in high school, I had a very unstable boyfriend. He was my very first boyfriend. I started dating him when I just 14 years old. Honestly, I knew the way he treated me was unhealthy, but I didn’t realize how unhealthy until I got older. I was so blind to the things he was doing to me that I didn’t realize how bad it really was. He was very jealous, untrusting, aggressive, the list goes on and on. He was very mentally unstable. He would literally make stuff up in his head to accuse me of. I remember one particular time he thought I cheated on him, which I never did.
At this point, my parents had banned me from seeing him, for good reason. But of course my rebellious tendencies led me to have a secret relationship with him for the majority of high school. Anyways, we would meet in this abandoned house. It was one of our spots. I remember one particular day he was on one of his angry, aggressive streaks and he was convinced that I had been seeing someone else. I remember him holding me up against the wall of that abandoned house for what seemed like hours trying to get me to admit to him something I didn’t even do. I remember trying so hard to escape his grip and feeling so powerless and hopeless. I tried everything from head butting, kneeing, to trying to bite the hell out of him. If I ever did momentarily escape I would try to punch him with no accuracy or power behind it. It finally got to a point where I just gave up. Lost all my strength. And just laid their under his control until I could talk him down from his anger. There were several other times where he would hold me down to see if I had “been with anyone else”. I don’t know any other way to put this and its is a little tmi, but this guy took my virginity.
So keep in mind that our first encounter, I was obviously a virgin. And then our later encounters he expected me to still have the body/feeling of a virgin. Well when I no longer felt like a virgin to him anymore he thought I had been with other guys. He would literally hold me down and try to force his hands down my pants to see how I felt down there. Of course I would fight him off as long as possible until I would literally just give in and let him. Do you know what kind of emotional effect that has on a young girl? To feel like she doesn’t have control of her own body anymore? This would happen all the time. I would literally cringe every time he wanted to be intimate over the fear of what might happen next. Another time he punched me so hard in the face because I wanted to go to a MSU football game with my friends that I could barely even eat. My jaw popped every time I opened it for weeks. These are just a few instances that stand out in my mind right now as I’m writing this.
All the aches and pains and bruises I had to hide from my parents began to add up and I felt so trapped that I would never get out. This isn’t even taking into account the emotional and verbal abuse that far exceeded the physical. It was far more damaging and is harder to emotionally recount. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. But I wanted to share the physical abuse because I wanted to share why I started my jiu jitsu/kickboxing journey. I always enjoyed stuff like that and wanted to be involved in it, but my main motivation was I wanted to be able to defend myself and I always told myself I would never let myself get into a situation that I couldn’t get out of ever again. I didn’t start doing jiu jitsu until well after I had finally got out of this abusive relationship. I was actually about to be a senior in college. It had been almost four years. Anyways, I went to my first class and I enjoyed it so much. I thought this is what I really need. Not long later I started doing kickboxing. Now that is what I really loved. For some reason I always felt more in control. I guess because in jiu jitsu you are forced to have to get out submissions and I don’t like the feeling of being trapped. I also always felt more comfortable attending the women’s classes more so than the coed because I think I felt even more powerless when rolling with a guy. But I know it’s something I need to do for myself, it is just going to take me longer to get over that anxious feeling. But when I went to kickboxing, gosh, I always felt so free and in control. Granted I wasn’t very good at it, but I was finally starting to feel the confidence I had lost all those years ago. Certain life circumstances have caused me to put my journey on hold, but as soon as I am able, I will be back on those mats. I really encourage any woman or young girl to try it out, especially those who have been through similar experiences. I also want anyone to know who feels trapped in that type of relationship that you do deserve better and you can get out. You just have to find the strength to do it and remain strong. I know it is easier said than done. But there is hope out there, and you can survive.
Hi girl, Thank you so much for sharing. I understand it being hard to share your story and put your name to it. Honestly, I don’t want to share what I went through because my family and friends will read it and not believe me or get mad at me. I started jiu jitsu because of some reasons. I wanted to feel the confidence that I could kill someone if the opportunity came up. Thank God I was never in an abusive relationship personally but I was in one that hurt me in high school. My mom was in abusive relationships and I witnessed it. It took her 25 years to leave my dad.
And what you said about you would rather do anything but get emotional abused is how I feel. I never thought anyone would ever understand that emotional abuse stays with you. Bruises heal and blood dries up but I will forever live with the verbal and emotional baggage the men in my life gave me.
I am so happy you got out of yours. I’m so sorry you went through the sexual, verbal, and physical torment you did but you are so much stronger because of it. Maybe one day you’ll realize that. I’m the same way with not wanting to roll with men in particular because of the feeling of being trapped. But I don’t know how to get over that. So when you do please let me know. I haven’t rolled or anything in over a year because I get so anxious just being in that environment. I’m more of a kickboxing person too.
Thank you for continuing to move forward with your life and choosing to step out and help others in the process. I love you girl. We are sisters in trauma and I am here for you anytime. Please know that.
I want everyone to know that abuse comes in other forms than just physical and sexual. Abuse is being trapped with someone making you believe and do certain things. Abusive relationships are manipulating and when codependency is involved it’s hard to get out. Codependency is an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction. That’s why you see many of the women with alcoholics, drug abusers, mentally ill, sex addicts, etc.
When people hear about women getting beaten, it’s easy to blame her for not leaving but why not blame the actual man for making her believe she can’t. For brainwashing her to believe no one else will want her and she is weak and incapable of doing anything and everything. It is a cycle of hurt, shame, and loneliness.
If you are in a relationship that is hurting you or someone, help is out there. Please send me an email or get in contact with someone. There are ways to go about it that stay anonymous. You owe it to yourself and if there are any kids involved.
Until next time- Kels